"Any disease introduces a doubleness into life - an "it", with its own needs, demands, limitations."

Oliver Sacks

I came across this quote and immediately thought how true - as I said the last time we are trying to figure out how to live with our uninvited guest.    It is so true that an illness, when it imposes itself, has its own demands.  It is like a child - always throwing a tantrum at the least expected and inconvenient moments, spoiling the best laid plans.   And then it seems that our entire schedule, when, what, or if we eat, if we go out or stay in, where or if we might go on vacation,  is planned around the desires of our visitor.   Our schedule, our routine, is no longer our own.  And everything gets decided while immersed in the aura of our visitor.  When we get up in the morning and try to decide the day, we always, very considerately I might add, think of the guest first - and ask "so what is on your agenda today?" - and then make our plans mold to it.    There is no doubt I feel like we are leading a double life - trying to assert ourselves, our desires into the selfish and demanding needs of the "guest".  And for such a demanding guest, I still can't see it, or touch it, it remains elusive but ever present, always "it", always there.

In Tai Chi there is an exercise called push hands.  The students stand face to face with the same leg forward so that they feel balanced and centered.  The students then move toward each other and begin touching forearms and elbows, shifting weight from one leg to the other, sometimes turning slightly.  The students work to remain balanced while in constant contact with another person.  One student will usually be pushed or pulled off balance, and they start again.  Maybe this is similar to  my guest?  We are in constant contact, touching and moving in unison, never out of the vicinity of each other - the more I try and respond with strength, the more I lose balance.  This opponent is very experienced!  How do I yield without going limp?  How do I yield while maintaining the alertness of a cat?  How can I  stay in the dance just adhering and not losing my footing - knowing that I am never out of contact with my unworthy but experienced opponent?  It is much like sensing what needs to happen in a yoga posture - the subtle movements and adjustments that bring the body and mind into that state of balance where one doesn't push or pull too much, always responding and moving in unison.   So this is the practice - and the thing is that when I relax a little too much or try a little too hard, I stumble and fall.  But the thing I need to remember is that that is fine - the stumbling is part and parcel of the engagement - it brings me back to center.  I won't turn my back and walk away, give up,  even though at times I just want to scream "you are too experienced for me, I can't keep up"!  

This sounds so wise, doesn't it?  It sounds wise to me - I want to respond with that centeredness and balance - but I am tired at the same time of the constant vigilance.  The emotions are raw at times and I don't want to filter them.  I get tired of wise (or my limited understanding of wise) and that constant voice that says I must do better or that I am not investing enough in the process.  In a novel I have been reading, the narrator's husband (a reporter) was killed in a drug raid he was covering for a story.  The wife had not returned to her Tai Chi class for a while and she told the instructor "You know why I didn't?  I was afraid you would tell me to invest in loss.  Or that I should have no complaints whatsoever. Something like that."  The teacher's response: "You crazy?  Your husband killed and I tell you not grieve?  These which I teach are things in books... parables."  That is real.  That is wise. 

So today - I am going to tell my "guest" exactly what I think of it - tell it how it has pushed and shoved its way into our lives with no consideration for us whatsoever - how very selfish it is!  I am tired of your selfish demands and your tantrums, I am tired of you ruining our plans in deference to yours - I am tired of the limitations you impose (unasked for, I might add) on our lives and I am tired of having you push and pull me off balance.  I am tired of being drawn into your dance and of being in constant contact with you, and I am tired of living in the chill your shadow.   So put that in your bag and get packing.  Fat chance but I feel better.

Love to all of you-

Donna