"Any disease introduces a doubleness into life - an "it", with its own needs, demands, limitations."

Oliver Sacks

I came across this quote and immediately thought how true - as I said the last time we are trying to figure out how to live with our uninvited guest.    It is so true that an illness, when it imposes itself, has its own demands.  It is like a child - always throwing a tantrum at the least expected and inconvenient moments, spoiling the best laid plans.   And then it seems that our entire schedule, when, what, or if we eat, if we go out or stay in, where or if we might go on vacation,  is planned around the desires of our visitor.   Our schedule, our routine, is no longer our own.  And everything gets decided while immersed in the aura of our visitor.  When we get up in the morning and try to decide the day, we always, very considerately I might add, think of the guest first - and ask "so what is on your agenda today?" - and then make our plans mold to it.    There is no doubt I feel like we are leading a double life - trying to assert ourselves, our desires into the selfish and demanding needs of the "guest".  And for such a demanding guest, I still can't see it, or touch it, it remains elusive but ever present, always "it", always there.

In Tai Chi there is an exercise called push hands.  The students stand face to face with the same leg forward so that they feel balanced and centered.  The students then move toward each other and begin touching forearms and elbows, shifting weight from one leg to the other, sometimes turning slightly.  The students work to remain balanced while in constant contact with another person.  One student will usually be pushed or pulled off balance, and they start again.  Maybe this is similar to  my guest?  We are in constant contact, touching and moving in unison, never out of the vicinity of each other - the more I try and respond with strength, the more I lose balance.  This opponent is very experienced!  How do I yield without going limp?  How do I yield while maintaining the alertness of a cat?  How can I  stay in the dance just adhering and not losing my footing - knowing that I am never out of contact with my unworthy but experienced opponent?  It is much like sensing what needs to happen in a yoga posture - the subtle movements and adjustments that bring the body and mind into that state of balance where one doesn't push or pull too much, always responding and moving in unison.   So this is the practice - and the thing is that when I relax a little too much or try a little too hard, I stumble and fall.  But the thing I need to remember is that that is fine - the stumbling is part and parcel of the engagement - it brings me back to center.  I won't turn my back and walk away, give up,  even though at times I just want to scream "you are too experienced for me, I can't keep up"!  

This sounds so wise, doesn't it?  It sounds wise to me - I want to respond with that centeredness and balance - but I am tired at the same time of the constant vigilance.  The emotions are raw at times and I don't want to filter them.  I get tired of wise (or my limited understanding of wise) and that constant voice that says I must do better or that I am not investing enough in the process.  In a novel I have been reading, the narrator's husband (a reporter) was killed in a drug raid he was covering for a story.  The wife had not returned to her Tai Chi class for a while and she told the instructor "You know why I didn't?  I was afraid you would tell me to invest in loss.  Or that I should have no complaints whatsoever. Something like that."  The teacher's response: "You crazy?  Your husband killed and I tell you not grieve?  These which I teach are things in books... parables."  That is real.  That is wise. 

So today - I am going to tell my "guest" exactly what I think of it - tell it how it has pushed and shoved its way into our lives with no consideration for us whatsoever - how very selfish it is!  I am tired of your selfish demands and your tantrums, I am tired of you ruining our plans in deference to yours - I am tired of the limitations you impose (unasked for, I might add) on our lives and I am tired of having you push and pull me off balance.  I am tired of being drawn into your dance and of being in constant contact with you, and I am tired of living in the chill your shadow.   So put that in your bag and get packing.  Fat chance but I feel better.

Love to all of you-

Donna

   

I had a friend that said her cancer was a gift - that it showed her how to live.  And she certainly did live her life with gusto and joy.  I think I know what she meant, but I can’t say that I agree with the gift part.  In our case I would rather return the gift with a thanks but no thanks reply.  But we didn’t have that option, so here Dave and I are, with this unwelcome guest in our lives trying to make peace with it, or a least co-exist with it knowing we can’t tell the unwelcome guest it is time to leave.   It seems that everyone has something to say about dealing with cancer - there is no dearth of information advising how to act, feel, and think while navigating the territory of illness.  I have no intention of adding to all of that talk, I don’t really have any words of wisdom - all I can do is “talk” to all of you as if we were sitting down together over tea - or doing yoga together and sharing our experiences.   

I miss the interaction at the studio - the energy of all of you and the experience of being there.  But this summer, I decided that what energy I had needed to be spent at home - living our lives and taking each day as it comes, and being a part of Balanced Yoga from a distance.   We have been dealing with Dave’s cancer for a few years now, back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic to participate in studies, knowing it was serious but being lulled into a kind of complacency because Dave felt pretty good.  But somehow when the words came that all medical possibilities have been exhausted it seemed so all of the sudden, a shock like the first diagnosis.   When did this happen?  I knew it was coming but I didn’t think it would be yet!!  What should I do?  I don’t want you to die - I don’t want to die. 

I find myself going from grief, to anger, to fear, to business as usual in the course of the day.  I find the most insignificant memories pop into my head and take on significance - places we went, things we did, mistakes we made and happy and mundane experiences.  Each thing that we do I find myself wondering if this is the last time - the last birthday, the last summer --- all of the what ifs.  I don’t usually sleep well.

But in the midst of that, I find that I just want to live our lives the best we can make them at any given moment.  I do understand that the outcome is something that is out of my control -  but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about that outcome.  We have had conversations lately in the context of our teacher training about non-attachment and what that means.  Non-attachment in my opinion means that we act, we participate, we do what we can do with all of the wisdom available to us at the time, but we know and understand that the outcome is not within the realm of our control.  But we do care about it and every day we do have the opportunity to influence each others lives, to decide what kind of influence we want to be, what kind of memories we want to make.  

So getting back to this idea of the “gift” of cancer - I realize that every day Dave and I are making memories - good ones.  We have been enjoying our grandchildren and our children.  Dave’s kids and I have had the opportunity to deepen our relationships as we have been spending more and more time together.  So maybe we needed to become aware of  the limitation of time in order to set priorities - if this “gift” has helped us to do that then fine.  We have been working on our house - making decisions together on what we like and want.   We have been having margaritas on the deck in the evening and enjoying this incredible weather on the Scioto.   We watch Jeopardy and Millionaire (I can at least answer the questions on Millionaire!).   I have loved hearing about Alex and Anne’s babies - and Jordan’s and Elizabeth’s on the way!  I have read all of Henning Mankel’s books - and devoured other Scandinavian writers, I seem to be into the mysteries this summer, interesting but not too heavy.   We watch movies, read, fall asleep.  We see hospice weekly and ask questions.  I have been reading my array of cookbooks and have been cooking again - something I haven’t taken the time to do in a long time.  I have enjoyed cooking simple meals when the kids are here visiting and just enjoying eating on the deck and talking - taking the time to figure out what might taste good to Dave.  I have spent a lot of time alone - Dave is tired - and I take runs along the river.  This is life happening, this is our routine.  I am trying my best to be awake and present for the show, not asleep at the wheel, and most of all not trying to create unrealistic expectations for myself, Dave, or anyone else about what life should be!  Our life is what it is.  All in all, this realization of time has been, while not a gift, transformative in the context of our family relationships.  I think of holidays - you know how they can be so stressful sometimes because of all of those unrealistic expectations - the Norman Rockwell syndrome?  I don’t want to make this time like that - it is business as usual and we are handling what gets presented on any given day and some days are better than others that way.    I want to be on my best behavior - I want to be on my best behavior ALL of the time - I do my best and that is at times better than others as well.   We don’t have any more chances to try and get it right, no more dress rehearsals so to speak - we just need to  live our lives the way we want to live our lives - awake and alive and present - nothing else.  Our routines - the things that make our lives together special to us are what we do each day.  For this realization I am grateful - I am glad to have our routines together, I am thankful for them.  I miss some of the things we used to do, but I am glad for those memories.   I am glad to begin the process of letting go of the unrealistic expectations I had of other human beings, myself, and Dave for sure, and just relax into what is right now, giving up the performance and just being with the day.   I am glad to just let our lives unfold - the joys of routine and simply living.

So that is what I am doing this summer, que sera sera ------

Donna