John Friend NYT article

Well - there certainly has been a lot of discussion around the NYT article on John Friend (here is a link)  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/magazine/25Yoga-t.html?_r=10 that was published on July 19, 2010.  I figured I might add to the conversation, for what it is worth. The article has spurred outright disgust to fierce defense by Anusara senior teachers and students.  So what is it about this that is pushing our buttons?  Is it his capitalistic approach, turning yoga into a money making machine?  Is it a sense of personal attention that feels missing in a room of 800 people doing yoga?  Is it the system of Anusara yoga?  Is it John?  Is it our willingness to denigrate the American approach?  Is it yoga?  I imagine that for many of us who practice or teach yoga, the portrayal of yoga in the article caused a reaction.

A Little History

I have never met John, nor have I personally taken a workshop with him.  I have experienced Anusara Yoga in depth through immersions and workshops, both asana oriented and philosophy oriented.  I have been thinking about what it is about Anusara, different in its approach, that resonates with students of that style of yoga.   As for the physical side (asana), the alignment principles are distinctly Iyengar, which reflects John’s early training.  Having studied quite a bit with Rodney Yee, whose background is also with Iyengar, the alignment principles offered are nothing revolutionary or that different from what I had already come to know - they were just condensed and codified by John’s Universal Principles of Alignment.  But the philosophy side, the approach to practice and experience, was where I found Anusara to be different.  My first exposure to yoga philosophy was with Ganga White at White Lotus Foundation in Santa Barbara. The philosophy taught was general in nature - and Ganga’s claim to fame is that he prefers a non-dogmatic approach, not aligning himself with any one philosophical  school.  I came away not really understanding the various periods of yoga history or their schools of thought nor with an understanding about how philosophy relates to asana as we practice it in classes.  I don’t mean this as a criticism, just observation.  Rodney, at least in my experience, was distinctly classical in his approach to philosophical thought.  The practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga is firmly rooted in Classical Yoga and Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras.   But here again, the focus of my training in these areas was not to learn to discriminate, or even learn at all, the philosophy behind the different schools of yoga.  I didn’t even know there was anything but The Yoga Sutras of Patanajali until I was exposed to the philosophy that informs Anusara Yoga.  What Anusara, with its emphasis on the Tantra tradition and the teaching of that philosophy, did for me was open a whole new way of seeing the yoga tradition and its history.  I saw that there was another way of looking at things that was not about transcending our experience or our body,  but about affirming them.  It was freeing, it was joyful, and it opened doors of study that have enriched my experience and practice of yoga.  This philosophy is at the heart of every Anusara class.  It informs every asana class, no exceptions.  I think students are responding to this idea of immersion in life and all it has to offer, through the practice of asana - not the negation emphasis that lies at the core of Classical Yoga. One key message in Anusara is that we are fine the way we are.  John happens to be the very charismatic individual who is delivering this message.  So he has become the prophet and his followers see him as their experience.

So What?

That said,  this is what I found unsettling about the article.  What is it as a society, or as individuals, that we are looking for?  Why do we latch onto these magnetic individuals as if they not only hold the answer, but are the answer?  The practice of yoga is about observation, learning to see our own experience, using the practice whether it be asana, meditation, pranayama etc. to highlight and deepen that experience for us.  The practice of yoga hopefully makes us more open to our own experiences, but the practice is not a substitute for the experience.  The map is not the territory so to speak.  A good teacher knows the difference - they continually point you in the direction of the territory, not themselves.  They know they are only the map, the guide.  But they are very aware that they are not what it is about and they hopefully stay out of the way.  I don’t know if this is the case with John Friend or not, but my impression based on how the article was written, was that it is becoming more about him and not the individual experience.  The fact that

“It has become much more about doing than being. More about happiness than meaning. It’s a weight-loss technique and a stress-management tool, a gateway to an exploding market for workout clothes and equipment.” 

is more a reflection, in my opinion, on our response to John and his approach rather than John’s intent or actions.  Also, what is wrong with happiness, and if we are happy does this somehow mean that we don’t understand deeper meaning?  Somehow I don’t think so - but what does this say about what we think yoga - or any spiritual practice - is?  Is it only about pain and suffering?  

The author also states in this same paragraph:

If yoga began as a meditation technique for people all too familiar with physical as well as mental suffering — with poses, or asanas, devised to assist in reaching a transcendentally blissful state — it has taken on a distinctly American cast.

This is a misrepresentation of the beginnings of yoga in this country and implies that the way we do asana is distinctly American - this is blatantly false.  Poses as we know them today were not devised to help practitioners reach a transcendentally blissful state.  So here we have a way for the author to criticize yoga in America based on inaccurate and  biased information, possibly nothing more than her own interpretation of what she thinks the practice of yoga is and is not.   And, as yoga practitioners, this is precisely what we should learn to discern and judge - not be swayed by subjective opinion to take a stance where the guiding information is faulty.  We should give ourselves the gift of study and learning so we can act and think with integrity.  That is an integral part of the practice of yoga.   I highly recommend Yoga Body: The Origins of Modern Posture Practice, by Mark Singleton if you would like to understand more about the evolution of modern asana practice in the west.  This is a well researched book, and one that, I might add, is required for our next Balanced Yoga teacher training group.  You might also enjoy The Subtle Body by Stefanie Syman which gives a well-researched account of modern yoga.  Also, The Great Oom by Robert Love came to mind when I read the article about John.  All good and insightful reads if you'd like to learn more.

So, what is the take home message?  

Yoga in America is new in the scheme of things.  It is still forming and taking shape.  This is not a bad thing!  Yoga is a dynamic practice, it changes as culture and the times change, be it America or India!   It changes as we as individuals change and age and grow.  It will never be one way - as in Indian philosophy, it encourages discourse, discussion, conversation.  We don’t understand how our ways of thinking influence our perceptions until we step back and objectively take a look.   Yoga is not about right or wrong, it has an absorptive quality. That to me is the beauty of this article - if we are awake, we can be encouraged to ask ourselves what we think and what we experience as the practice of yoga - as individuals.  I don’t think the outcome of the article should be to criticize John or judge him as right/wrong or good/bad - but to ask ourselves what the practice of yoga is.  The style of yoga is one thing, what it evokes is another.  Yoga is an evocative practice - it hopefully spurs us to act on our insight and wisdom,  which are gleaned through the practice.  The practice should spur debate, thought, conversation.  It should spur us to find out what history says about the evolution of yoga in the west so that we know when our statements are based on our subjective experience or factual information.  Different styles and approaches speak to individuals.

So, I personally don’t want to use this article as a way to criticize John Friend, what he does, or Anusara Yoga. I would rather, if it did push some buttons (and it did), use this as a way to go deeper into my understanding of yoga and my experience of it and to use THAT as a point to dive into the conversation.  I would hope that an article such as this can help me discern and separate the “milk from the water” - to glean wisdom and understanding from the sea of opinion and talk.  

When Ganesh Mohan gave a workshop at Balanced Yoga several years back, we had a conversation while driving to the airport.  I made a snide remark about the U.S. and our approach to yoga, commerce, and well, things in general.  To be quite frank, I made the comment based on what I thought I should think about our approach in this country, not from an informed and thoughtful position.  He gracefully put me in my place - reminding me of all that we have accomplished in this country with our industrious approach, with our intellect and our technology, with our innovation and our individualism.  He reminded me of the wonderful things America has contributed to the world.  I never forgot it and I am grateful.   Our input to the history and practice of yoga may contribute in ways we can’t even yet imagine!  We shouldn’t be trying to find the one way that is yoga, or yoga was before we got ahold of it - we should be continually having the conversation and opening ourselves to it.   We shouldn’t use our opinions as a way to boost ourselves at another’s expense, but as an entry to becoming more thoughtful and discerning.  We should explore ideas and experience, let the beauty of the story unfold day by day, minute by minute.  There is room for many ideas and approaches, it is called diversity - let’s not limit the possibilities by remaining narrow and untouchable, walled off by our own hubris.  Tradition can sometimes do this - keep us stuck in what we perceive to be better with no way to move out or see things fresh and new.  The issue here is not John, the issue is what do we/you see as yoga?  What is your understanding and experience of yoga?   Let this article spur you to explore that experience and understanding.  Let this article spur you to be thoughtful, to talk and to listen, to draw on your innate intelligence.  Let this article spur you to practice yoga.

I would love to hear your thoughts - let’s keep the yoga dialogue open.

Love -

Donna

Coming Alive Practice

First off, I want to thank all of you that have sent messages and been so supportive through this process with Dave. I don’t know what I would have done without you and your incredible supportiveness and love. I thought I would share with you my coming back into (or I should say my struggle with) the physical part of yoga practice, and maybe you will join me if you have found that you are having the same struggle. I can’t emphasize enough that forcing ourselves is not the answer. There is a time, whether it be to take time to grieve or heal, when the body needs rest- and the mind needs to just be. I have been and am doing that. That said, for me the time is right to jump back in and start to move again - still listening to what is needed on a day to day (or minute to minute) basis. So what’s to lose?

Have you ever watched in awe as things come alive again in the spring? Every year my first inkling that spring was definitely not going to desert me was when the chives started to peak out from the earth - oh thank goodness - I could breath a sigh of relief. It seems that it all happens so all of the sudden - the trees are bare, we see the buds, and one day a month or so later they are full of leaves. I love watching the rhythm of the birds each day - they tend to feed at the same time of day - all together they suddenly come from out of nowhere and fill the feeders - then go back to nowhere until it is time again. If I have inadvertently let the feeders get empty, when I fill them again the birds are there within seconds. Were they just sitting out there waiting for me to put the food on the table? It never ceases to amaze me. Things in nature naturally move toward what they need - they respond to light, warmth, energy, sound, waves, air, danger, storms etc. the same as we do. They move toward food, they seek nourishment, they protect themselves when needed, they rest and close at night. These movements in the environment that may not even be perceptible to us cause a shift in direction, awareness, and responsiveness. To look at seeds growing in time-lapse video is like watching a baby bird opening it’s beak to receive food from the parent. It appears that they are not only looking upward and reaching, but interacting with each other. To look at plants move toward light is watching their responsiveness to what nourishes them. To watch their leaves fold as the day ends is watching them rest and rejuvenate. To watch them close in response to touch is watching them retreat and protect. And all of this in response to subtle and not so subtle environmental cues.

I am reminded of some lines from E. E. Cummings:

“somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skilfuly, mysteriously) her first rose…..”

(quoted from E.E. Cummings, Poems, 1923-1954)

I know that I, and probably most of us, sometimes underestimate this responsiveness to the unseen touches in our human experience. When we are in the midst of grief or feeling overwhelmed it is hard to see - we can feel stuck and abandoned as if there is nothing to guide us and give us stability. It is hard to see that we are responding to the skillful touch of the world with movement toward healing and health. But we are responding and being moved by the mysterious and skillful touches of the world around us - even though we may not realize it at the time- and only if we open ourselves to it. If we could watch ourselves over time in time lapse movies we could see where we had been in relation to where we are, and would take comfort in it. We could see the patterns that have movement and wisdom - we would see that they have direction. I love the words skillfully and mysteriously in E.E. Cummings poem. The universe is skillful and at the same time mysterious. We need to turn our heads, our ears, our eyes, our hearts in its direction - turn toward what offers nourishment and is stroking us awake, responding to the cues - that skillful and mysterious touch.

Beginning a physical yoga practice again after a somewhat long absence is one of those responses to the touch of the universe - something to turn toward for nourishment after hearing and feeling the call. At first it doesn’t seem that way - those aches and the tightness of a body that has contracted under the weight of stress and grief are discouraging and bring me to tears. Old injuries and a lack of physical openness could hold me back if I let them. In some ways I feel brittle, but much like reconstituting a dried chile in hot water to make it pliable, I know the breath will do the same for me. It is time to come alive - and I know that yoga works; if I let it it will coax me like a patient and loving partner. Hindsight I am sure will show me that, but for now I will just trust that it is true.

Check out this link to see some beautiful time-lapse photography of plants in motion and allow yourself to be amazed! http://plantsinmotion.bio.indiana.edu/plantmotion/movements/tropism/tropisms.html

I thought I would share with you my “coming alive” practice as it evolves. If you are someone that is just starting yoga or coming back after illness, injury, or a life trauma, these practices may help you get “back in the saddle again”. Or you just may need to take a break from a more vigorous practice and tune in to the skillful and mysterious presence in your life that is continually coaxing and urging. You can choose to do all or a portion of any part of this practice. This is not pre-planned, I am sharing with you sequences and practices as I do them on a daily or weekly basis - as they evolve and the practice molds itself to my circumstances. This practice allowed me to breath into tight and resistant hips and back. It allowed me to take it slow and follow the breath. The shapes of the postures gave me roots from which to unwind and massage the kinks and discomfort. It allowed me to explore how I might ease my body back into a receptive and responsive state. It allowed me to listen. It is slow and deliberate. I hope you will participate with me and comment if you like - I love company!

Love,

Donna

Week 1

Receptiveness

The first part of most yoga classes focuses on centering, or becoming receptive and opening to the body and mind and the practice. It is a time to let go and immerse ourselves into the acts of listening and responding. This is also the first step in the Balanced Yoga Model of Teaching which is taught to teachers in training. For me, my practice as a whole right now is focusing on this aspect. My body needs to become receptive again - it needs to learn to let go of the stress and protectiveness it has been holding on to over the time of Dave’s illness. It has been a protective time and one that required strength on another plane than physical - I was bracing myself each day. Even now in the throws of grief, that sometimes remains the focus. On a practical level it was a time that didn’t include much physical movement or exercise. So my focus right now is on opening myself to practice again and to life in general - being receptive even in light of the resistance in my body and my mind. I am not focusing on strength right now or trying to get back into wild postures - that will come with patience and receptiveness. Right now it is about turning toward what nourishes - in every aspect of my life. It is about bathing in the breath, allowing the breath to soak every tight and brittle aspect of my body/mind and giving it the opportunity to speak and show me what to do. We can’t push the river, we need to immerse ourselves in the flow of the current, move with it and be an active participant. This is about listening and receiving - it is about freedom and building or rebuilding trust in the body and the body in me. For me the postures are not something to do or achieve - the shapes give me different ways to explore rooting and the release of tension and tightness to massage and lengthen, to find space and fluidity - the posture shapes give me the leverage and tools to find the freedom and space in the body through release, not the other way around.

• Opening meditation

“Oh my body, my being, my life force - speak to me! Help me sense what is happening to you. Help me understand

why you couldn’t cope. Tell me what you need. Tell me what nourishes you, strengthens and protects you. Tell me

how we are going to make our way together, because alone, with my head, I haven’t succeeded and I don’t know

what to do anymore.” Anti Cancer, A New Way of Life, Dr. David Servan-Schreiber

Sit quietly on your mat - any seated position is fine but allow your tailbone to be heavy and the pubic bone to drop

toward the floor. Allow your legs to support the lift of the spine through their connection in the hip sockets. Feel their connection to

your spine and to the earth. Feel your arms snug in the shoulder sockets. Allow yourself to tune into how the breath is moving

through your body. Where does it feel like it can’t penetrate and soak your tissues? Where does is feel like it flows easily?

Allow your body to speak to you - what is tight and resistant - what is free? Give your body the freedom to speak -

to let you know what it needs and resist the urge to tell it what you think it needs. Listen - breathe.

• In your own time begin to undulate the spine - forward, back, sideways. Picture yourself as a piece of seaweed flowing with the current of the ocean. Don’t use your mind to tell you how to move - release into the current around you - let yourself be free in the

movement. Do this for several minutes - notice how, as you let yourself go, your movements become more fluid and less controlled.

After a few minutes, come back to an upright position and notice the freedom in your spine. Feel as if you are still seated in the ocean, but the current is gentle and you can release yourself into the support of the fluid around you.

* From your seated position with simple crossed legs, move forward into a forward bend and bring the forearms to the floor in front

of your top leg. If you need a prop or are on your fingertips this is fine. Bring the upper arms back against the leg. As you move into

the forward bend, keep the sitz bones rooted and glide the pelvis forward over the legs. Keep the spine long, chin and eyes soft. Allow the belly to hollow and move into the sacrum, allowing it to support the heart in its movement forward over the legs. Be very mindful of your breath. If there are spots that are tight, move slowly and move your breath into those areas. Fill the lower back with your breath and move it upward along the spine. Keep the spine deep in the body. Lengthen forward through the back of your neck. Hold for at least 10 breaths - stay aware - what is your body telling you? Can you remain attentive as if you were listening to the most important story you ever heard that could change your life forever? Can you remain still and listen? Repeat on the other side.

* Roll forward over your knees onto your hands and knees for table pose. Gently move back and forth into cat/cow moving from the tail and feeling each vertebrae catch the wave of the movement all the way through the neck and head last. Do this slowly - not fast. Let yourself drop into the awareness of the movement - feeling its minuteness as well as the largeness of the wave along the spine. Find the small wave within the large wave. Do several of these - however many feels right for you.

* Next, as you move into cow on the inhale, on the exhale move back into childs pose with the knees wide and big toes together. Go

back and forth with these movements several times - a short vinyasa. After several cycles, tuck the toes, lift the hips, and walk you

hands back to the feet to standing.

* Malasana - squat with feet together and knees wide. Let the head of the large leg bone move deep into the socket, groins deeps. Let the sacrum area relax and lengthen. Breath and listen. Hold this for a while (whatever feels good to you). When you are ready come to standing, lifting the hips and drawing the legs straight.

• Tadasana at the front of your mat. Stay in Tadasana, feeling your connectivity to the earth - feeling your weight. Allow your bones of your legs to root downward and your spine to become light and responsive. Feel the openness of the rib cage, the length of your neck and the softness of your eyes. Feel as if you are still immersed in the fluid around you to take the struggle out of your posture - let it be more of a letting than a forceful push.

• On an inhale lift the arms overhead- shoulder blades flush on the back, bones of the legs rooted into the earth. Begin this movement with the inhale and as you exhale bring the arms to prayer without losing your length. Listen, breath. Repeat this movement several times.

• On an exhale whenever the movement feels right for you, from extended mountain (arms overhead) fold forward into forward fold. Knees can bend, place finger tips on the floor or on the thighs. Inhale - extend the heart forward keeping the neck, chin, and eyes soft and the shoulder blades flush on the back. Repeat this several times.

• Moving back into Tadasana, inhale arms overhead and exhale into Utkatasana (chair pose), move the sitz bones back as if you were reaching for a chair. Inhale and move back to standing and exhale into Tadasana. Repeat this vinyasa several times.

• Inhale arms overhead, exhale into forward fold. Inhale and extend the heart forward and and exhaling take your left leg back into a lunge with knee on the floor. Keeping arms at your sides inhale and move deeper into the lunge, shoulders staying over the hips. Hold for several breaths. Note that when you move the pelvis forward, keep the tailbone long and the thigh bone back into the hamstrings - the belly stays hollow and moving into the sacrum as the pelvis as a whole moves forward toward your front leg. Bring hands to the floor and step back into down dog. Stay in down dog for several breaths, connecting your hands and feet to the floor so they can help lengthen the spine. Feel the openness of the side waist and the depth of the groins and armpits. Step the right foot forward and repeat the lunge on the other side, knee on the floor and arms at the sides. Be sure to stay for several breaths, listening, subtly adjusting and responding to the feedback of the body. On an exhale, bring the hands to the floor and step the left foot forward. Inhale and slide the heart forward and exhale into forward fold. Place hands on the hips and inhale to standing, exhaling hands to the heart in prayer.

• Repeat another round, and this time if it feels right for your body, in the lunge begin to arch back into a slight

backbend, still keeping arms at the sides. Remember to keep the thigh bone of the back leg back in the hamstrings

and to extend the backbend along the entire spine, lengthening through the back of the neck. Avoid arching only

from the lower back or lumbar spine. Repeat on both sides

• Triangle pose - please be sure to use props if needed. The hand on a block can be very useful Use the wall for

support if you are feeling unstable. Feel the strength and rootedness of the back leg - allow your legs to feed the

spine and help it extend. Feel their connection and your openness and willingness to listen. It can be frustrating if

you are coming back from an injury or illness to not feel as stable or sure in the most basic postures, but let yourself

explore the body’s communication and the sensations in the posture. Creating this receptiveness and openness is

key to trusting the body/mind again. Allow yourself to be supported in the fluid around you - immersing and

listening. Feel that undulation of the spine that you felt in your opening meditation and give it the freedom to

move. Stay for as long as feels right, not opting to let go too soon due to the sensations. Give yourself the

opportunity to listen and be open to what presents.

• Side Angle - taking a wide stance* turn one foot out 90º and the back foot in about 20º or so or have it parallel to

the back of your mat. Moving from the strength of the solidness of the back leg, bend the front so that your knee is

over the ankle. This is a great pose to do over the seat of an armless chair if you are unstable, giving you the ability

to explore the posture and work through issues in the hips while being stable and supported. Make sure not to let

the front knee turn in, keep it tracking over the toes. Repeat on both sides.

*For me right now, taking a wide stance and standing upright with the pelvis in neutral causes a lot of sensation due

to the psoas. I stay in this posture for a bit, lengthening and observing the movements of the pelvis over the head

of the leg bone - finding ease in the psoas and releasing tightness by doing very small pelvic tilts. I take particular note of breathing

into the belly and opening the groin area. I take the transition into the posture slowly as the hip joints are sensitive.

• Move back down to the floor, moving through a sun salutation if you like.

• Virasana - to tell you the truth, this used to be an easy posture, but it was a killer today! Allow yourself to elevate

the spine to make the stretch easier if your body is resistant. You can also do this one leg at a time. Breath and try

and relax the lower back. See what happens as the body relaxes and lets go.

• Cobra - coming to your belly on the floor and strongly rooting through the feet and legs. The inner thighs roll toward the ceiling and the lower back stays broad. The tail bone and pubis reach toward the heels. Have the hands somewhat in front of the shoulders, the elbows slightly off the floor and elbows pointing straight back. Upper arm bones move to the back body and the should blades are flush on the back, tips dipping into the body. Keep the head and neck neutral. Out of the solidness of the legs, begin to move the heart forward through the arms, the arms being used for support and not to push yourself upright. Feel as if your hands were trying to drag back toward your feet while pressing into your mat. Notice where you are becoming rigid, notice where you feel the most sensation and breath into that spot. Allow the spine to be fluid - feel every vertebrae free as you move the wave upward toward your head. Explore for several breaths and release on an exhale. Do several times - notice the lengthening along the front side of the body, through the hips and the front of the spine.

• Down Dog

• Janu Sirsasana - come to a seated position with one leg folded into a ½ baddha konasana (cobblers pose) and the other straight. Extend through the heel of the straight leg, but don’t let it come off the floor, keep it rooted. The pubis should reach toward the floor, the lower back long and you should be sitting forward on the sitz bones. The buttock flesh should move toward the floor. If you cannot keep the sacrum moving into the body, work here until you can sit upright without strain. Come forward between the two legs if you are torqued while turning toward the straight leg. This posture is very similar to revolved triangle, the spine should be long and the sacrum area square. Let yourself work where you are - let yourself listen and observe. Remember - we want to hear what the body has to say, not force our will on it. Do both sides.

• Simple twist - sit on one hip with knees to the side and together. Gently twist to the direction the knees are pointing, being very mindful of the breath and how it informs your movement. Listen to the body - be skillful in your actions and observations. Repeat other side.

• Coming to childs pose, knees apart and big toes together. Use a bolster, pillow, or blanket under the chest for support if you like. Stay here to allow the body to relax and absorb.

• Savasana when you are ready.

The sounds of life

This morning I did some journaling and pranayam - nadi sodhana with some retentions.  I felt I needed to soak - that is the only way I can describe it.  I needed to soak in something greater - allow myself to be bathed, every cell of my body soaked - and as I was sitting quietly I began to hear the sounds of nature.  Where we live we are literally bathed in nature day and night and it is so beautiful.  The rhythms of nature are all around - predictable and yet fresh every day at the same time.  And because it is naturally quiet - not many city sounds - the music of nature is always audible, and I especially love it in the morning when things are waking up.   This morning as I became quite aware of those sounds, I realized that right now I am a part of that living and rhythm of life at the same time Dave is going through his process of bit by bit letting go of it.  I can be there for him - but we are becoming, bit by bit, a part of different worlds and in the end this is his process to go through.   And I want to be part of this rhythm of life - so there is a part of me that is now moving toward that and separating.  This is hard, sad, real - what other words there?   I grieve, not just for the loss of our life together,  for the loss of what we had planned on sharing, but also in the realization that this separateness  is now part of our lives and we are both moving in opposite directions.   So that is where it is right now - and as I write to all of you I am very clear that my intention is;   to just have a conversation - I have no conclusions or forced words of wisdom,  I don't want any, there is really nothing to say!    I know that many of you are going through similar things or have been through them. You know-----

Love

Donna

"Any disease introduces a doubleness into life - an "it", with its own needs, demands, limitations."

Oliver Sacks

I came across this quote and immediately thought how true - as I said the last time we are trying to figure out how to live with our uninvited guest.    It is so true that an illness, when it imposes itself, has its own demands.  It is like a child - always throwing a tantrum at the least expected and inconvenient moments, spoiling the best laid plans.   And then it seems that our entire schedule, when, what, or if we eat, if we go out or stay in, where or if we might go on vacation,  is planned around the desires of our visitor.   Our schedule, our routine, is no longer our own.  And everything gets decided while immersed in the aura of our visitor.  When we get up in the morning and try to decide the day, we always, very considerately I might add, think of the guest first - and ask "so what is on your agenda today?" - and then make our plans mold to it.    There is no doubt I feel like we are leading a double life - trying to assert ourselves, our desires into the selfish and demanding needs of the "guest".  And for such a demanding guest, I still can't see it, or touch it, it remains elusive but ever present, always "it", always there.

In Tai Chi there is an exercise called push hands.  The students stand face to face with the same leg forward so that they feel balanced and centered.  The students then move toward each other and begin touching forearms and elbows, shifting weight from one leg to the other, sometimes turning slightly.  The students work to remain balanced while in constant contact with another person.  One student will usually be pushed or pulled off balance, and they start again.  Maybe this is similar to  my guest?  We are in constant contact, touching and moving in unison, never out of the vicinity of each other - the more I try and respond with strength, the more I lose balance.  This opponent is very experienced!  How do I yield without going limp?  How do I yield while maintaining the alertness of a cat?  How can I  stay in the dance just adhering and not losing my footing - knowing that I am never out of contact with my unworthy but experienced opponent?  It is much like sensing what needs to happen in a yoga posture - the subtle movements and adjustments that bring the body and mind into that state of balance where one doesn't push or pull too much, always responding and moving in unison.   So this is the practice - and the thing is that when I relax a little too much or try a little too hard, I stumble and fall.  But the thing I need to remember is that that is fine - the stumbling is part and parcel of the engagement - it brings me back to center.  I won't turn my back and walk away, give up,  even though at times I just want to scream "you are too experienced for me, I can't keep up"!  

This sounds so wise, doesn't it?  It sounds wise to me - I want to respond with that centeredness and balance - but I am tired at the same time of the constant vigilance.  The emotions are raw at times and I don't want to filter them.  I get tired of wise (or my limited understanding of wise) and that constant voice that says I must do better or that I am not investing enough in the process.  In a novel I have been reading, the narrator's husband (a reporter) was killed in a drug raid he was covering for a story.  The wife had not returned to her Tai Chi class for a while and she told the instructor "You know why I didn't?  I was afraid you would tell me to invest in loss.  Or that I should have no complaints whatsoever. Something like that."  The teacher's response: "You crazy?  Your husband killed and I tell you not grieve?  These which I teach are things in books... parables."  That is real.  That is wise. 

So today - I am going to tell my "guest" exactly what I think of it - tell it how it has pushed and shoved its way into our lives with no consideration for us whatsoever - how very selfish it is!  I am tired of your selfish demands and your tantrums, I am tired of you ruining our plans in deference to yours - I am tired of the limitations you impose (unasked for, I might add) on our lives and I am tired of having you push and pull me off balance.  I am tired of being drawn into your dance and of being in constant contact with you, and I am tired of living in the chill your shadow.   So put that in your bag and get packing.  Fat chance but I feel better.

Love to all of you-

Donna

   

I had a friend that said her cancer was a gift - that it showed her how to live.  And she certainly did live her life with gusto and joy.  I think I know what she meant, but I can’t say that I agree with the gift part.  In our case I would rather return the gift with a thanks but no thanks reply.  But we didn’t have that option, so here Dave and I are, with this unwelcome guest in our lives trying to make peace with it, or a least co-exist with it knowing we can’t tell the unwelcome guest it is time to leave.   It seems that everyone has something to say about dealing with cancer - there is no dearth of information advising how to act, feel, and think while navigating the territory of illness.  I have no intention of adding to all of that talk, I don’t really have any words of wisdom - all I can do is “talk” to all of you as if we were sitting down together over tea - or doing yoga together and sharing our experiences.   

I miss the interaction at the studio - the energy of all of you and the experience of being there.  But this summer, I decided that what energy I had needed to be spent at home - living our lives and taking each day as it comes, and being a part of Balanced Yoga from a distance.   We have been dealing with Dave’s cancer for a few years now, back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic to participate in studies, knowing it was serious but being lulled into a kind of complacency because Dave felt pretty good.  But somehow when the words came that all medical possibilities have been exhausted it seemed so all of the sudden, a shock like the first diagnosis.   When did this happen?  I knew it was coming but I didn’t think it would be yet!!  What should I do?  I don’t want you to die - I don’t want to die. 

I find myself going from grief, to anger, to fear, to business as usual in the course of the day.  I find the most insignificant memories pop into my head and take on significance - places we went, things we did, mistakes we made and happy and mundane experiences.  Each thing that we do I find myself wondering if this is the last time - the last birthday, the last summer --- all of the what ifs.  I don’t usually sleep well.

But in the midst of that, I find that I just want to live our lives the best we can make them at any given moment.  I do understand that the outcome is something that is out of my control -  but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about that outcome.  We have had conversations lately in the context of our teacher training about non-attachment and what that means.  Non-attachment in my opinion means that we act, we participate, we do what we can do with all of the wisdom available to us at the time, but we know and understand that the outcome is not within the realm of our control.  But we do care about it and every day we do have the opportunity to influence each others lives, to decide what kind of influence we want to be, what kind of memories we want to make.  

So getting back to this idea of the “gift” of cancer - I realize that every day Dave and I are making memories - good ones.  We have been enjoying our grandchildren and our children.  Dave’s kids and I have had the opportunity to deepen our relationships as we have been spending more and more time together.  So maybe we needed to become aware of  the limitation of time in order to set priorities - if this “gift” has helped us to do that then fine.  We have been working on our house - making decisions together on what we like and want.   We have been having margaritas on the deck in the evening and enjoying this incredible weather on the Scioto.   We watch Jeopardy and Millionaire (I can at least answer the questions on Millionaire!).   I have loved hearing about Alex and Anne’s babies - and Jordan’s and Elizabeth’s on the way!  I have read all of Henning Mankel’s books - and devoured other Scandinavian writers, I seem to be into the mysteries this summer, interesting but not too heavy.   We watch movies, read, fall asleep.  We see hospice weekly and ask questions.  I have been reading my array of cookbooks and have been cooking again - something I haven’t taken the time to do in a long time.  I have enjoyed cooking simple meals when the kids are here visiting and just enjoying eating on the deck and talking - taking the time to figure out what might taste good to Dave.  I have spent a lot of time alone - Dave is tired - and I take runs along the river.  This is life happening, this is our routine.  I am trying my best to be awake and present for the show, not asleep at the wheel, and most of all not trying to create unrealistic expectations for myself, Dave, or anyone else about what life should be!  Our life is what it is.  All in all, this realization of time has been, while not a gift, transformative in the context of our family relationships.  I think of holidays - you know how they can be so stressful sometimes because of all of those unrealistic expectations - the Norman Rockwell syndrome?  I don’t want to make this time like that - it is business as usual and we are handling what gets presented on any given day and some days are better than others that way.    I want to be on my best behavior - I want to be on my best behavior ALL of the time - I do my best and that is at times better than others as well.   We don’t have any more chances to try and get it right, no more dress rehearsals so to speak - we just need to  live our lives the way we want to live our lives - awake and alive and present - nothing else.  Our routines - the things that make our lives together special to us are what we do each day.  For this realization I am grateful - I am glad to have our routines together, I am thankful for them.  I miss some of the things we used to do, but I am glad for those memories.   I am glad to begin the process of letting go of the unrealistic expectations I had of other human beings, myself, and Dave for sure, and just relax into what is right now, giving up the performance and just being with the day.   I am glad to just let our lives unfold - the joys of routine and simply living.

So that is what I am doing this summer, que sera sera ------

Donna

Samtosha

Samtosha or contentment leads to unexcelled joy, according to Patanjali's Yoga-Sutras. The Mahabharata praises contentment in the following way: "Contentment is indeed the highest. Contentment is supreme joy. There is nothing higher than satisfaction. It is complete in Itself. Other ancient texts speak of samtosha as viewing things with equanimity. Here are a few reflections on samtosha from some of our teachers.

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Contentment. Hmmm. I never stopped long enough to think about that. I guess
it's when I have a full tank of gas, full client load...when I've balanced
my checkbook, paid my monthly bills with a few bucks left over and the most
important thing is when my dog is comfortable in her aging body.

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Samtosha is something I consistently try to cultivate in my yoga practice. I have found that by enjoying my breath and the sensations in my body during each posture (whether it be energizing, strengthening, relaxing or challenging- even the ones that I really hate), that I am more open to a sense of contentment in relation to my self, and to the world around me. In this past month I have taken to practicing out of doors, in the grass and among the trees, and have experienced an extreme sense of calm in being with other living things- the plants, the bees beneath my feet, the dogs running through the park- and have become convinced that they are all doing yoga! To me, samtosa implies a sense of rightness with your self and with what you are doing at any given moment, as well as with the gifts that you have been given. On my mat is an ideal place to realize this sense of completeness, and I strive to bring that truth into every action of every day, to make it all yoga, and to breathe in the beauty all around me; luckily July is an easy month for that!

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On samtosha - I feel that it is most important to realize that
contentment is available to us just as we are, just as our lives are in
every moment. It is not something outside of ourselves that we need to
aspire to or attain. For me the practice of expressing gratitude, to
others, to ourselves, and to our source, even when it might be hard to
feel, is the first step in experiencing contentment. I see yoga as a
practice of active gratitude for the life we are given. When I practice
connecting to myself and my source by attending to my body and my breath,
quieting my mind, and spending time in the present, I begin to feel the
gratitude from my heart rather than just know in my head that I should feel
it. So I keep doing yoga and saying thank you. I have moments of true
contentment, and I am grateful for them.

Mini Vacation

Day Trips:

Alex Ferm (3 hours):
High Banks Metro Park, Columbus, Ohio
"The one thing I do from time to time, it's like a mini day trip... I drive up to High Banks park on 23 and take a run through the trails there. It's so beautiful and lush in the summer."
www.metroparks.net/ParksHighbanks.aspx

Jordan Robinson (one evening):
Schiller Park, Columbus, Ohio
"Shakespeare in the Park, at Schiller Park. It's a lot of fun sitting/picnicking in the grass and watching the production."
www.theactorstheatre.org

Ben Redman (2-3 days):
Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore located 25 miles west of Traverse City, MI
"Located in Northwestern lower Michigan, along the eastern shoreline of Lake Michigan, Sleeping Bear Dunes provides the unique opportunity to climb giant sand dunes in the Midwest. The park also has hiking, fishing, bicycling and camping opportunities."
www.nps.gov/slbe

Malani Patel (2 hours):
Rejuvenate Nail Spa in the Hills Market Shopping Center, Worthington, Ohio.
"I love to get my pedicures. It's a great way to just relax and let yourself be pampered."

Angela Dancey (1 day):
Delaware, Ohio
"Delaware is a really cool little town. Start the trip by taking the drive north on old 315, easily the most beautiful road in central Ohio. Plan to have lunch at the Hamburger Inn and then go shopping at Captain Betty's, one of the best vintage stores in the country. It's like taking a step back in time."

Megan Cairns (1 – 2 days):
Hocking Hills, Ohio
"Go hiking at Old Mans Cave and then camp. For a more luxurious weekend stay at the Inn at Cedar Falls or rent a cabin."
www.hockinghills.com

Donna Winters (1 day):
Zip Line Canopy Tour Hocking Hills, Ohio
"I haven't done this yet but it looks incredible"
www.hockinghillscanopytours.com

Sylke Krell (2 hours):
Columbus, Ohio
"I wish I was more outdoorsy in the summer. Come August it is waaay too hot for me to be outside, especially in the afternoons. So, I like to go to the dollar movie theater for some heat escape. There is nothing like cheap second run summer blockbusters in a cold theater. Awesome."
www.cinemark.com

Tom Griffith (2 days):
Nashville, TN
"Arrive with enough time to do happy hour at the honky tonks then go to Ryman Auditorium for a show. Ryman auditorium is reason enough to go. Until 1975 it was the second home of The Grand Ol' Oprey. It's an amazing turn of the century auditorium with a great vibe. Stay the night and enjoy a wonderful drive home through the Appalachians."
www.ryman.com

Elizabeth Miller(1 day):
The Dawes Arboretum, Newark, Ohio
"A public garden of 1700 acres; approx 1 hour from Columbus; definitely a fun day trip; bring a picnic lunch and check out the website for the flowering schedule before you go; leashed pets welcome."
www.dawesarb.org